My family just got back from Toronto on Tuesday night. I just got back to Lafayette on Wednesday, after having been house-sitting for the last week. (Reasons: cat, teen sister, worried father in Toronto.) I'm exhausted. I'm malnourished, too. I have a headache. I've got to go back to Indy today -- like, right now -- to get my PPD read. Still haven't had lunch. School starts next week. KV's wedding is tomorrow. I'm broke. Dead broke. Two months late on rent. Not sure if I'll be able to make it to the wedding, but feeling really really shitty because I really really really want to go and show my support for her, both as a friend and as somebody in favor of GLBT marriages. But my car only gets 4 interstate hours to the tank, so a 6.5-hr drive (times 2) will mean over $160 in petrol costs alone.
Trying to figure stuff out. About life. About happiness. About responsibility. About myself. Who am I to me? to others? and to the world? I don't know the answer anymore, except that I know that I am not who I want to be and yet lie to myself that I am already him.
I am my own worst enemy. I am too rational, to the point of irrational and self-destructive behavior. I know what I must do but do not do it. When I have time, I procrastinate. When I have little time, I admit defeat. And when defeat is official, I ask myself, "Why?", "How?" and "Can I have one more chance?"
I've been given a lot of spare chances. And I keep repeating the same mistakes. It's frustrating. It's very, very frustrating when you are your own worst enemy.
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1 comment:
Talon,
You sound like you're in horrible shape. You shouldn't feel obligated to come, especially not if you're in no financial shape to do so. I understand, there are a lot of things I don't do b/c I don't have the money for it. Please just take care of yourself.
- KV
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